All Things Must Pass
by Saklani
Summary: After the deaths of Julian and Kathy, can Garak and Chakotay find peace with each other?


Author: Saklani  
Title: All Things Must Pass  
Codes: Garak/Chakotay  
Series: DS9/VOY   
Rating: PG   
Beta: Wyomingnot- many thanks!   
Summary: After the deaths of Kathryn and Julian, Garak and Chakotay attempt to go on with life. But they find no solace anywhere. Can they find it in each other, despite the past?  
Disclaimer: PARABORG owns all. I make no money, I swear!!   
Feedback: HELL YEAH! to saklani@wildmail.com  
Posting- Sure! Go ahead, just let me know where you put it!   
Author's Notes: This is the third in the series beginning with Love Above All. The second in the series was A Choice Too Many. This story will make a lot more sense if you read those first. This is going to be the last in the series... I hope. I want to thank everyone on the Chakotay Fest for their encouragement. Without them, this story never would have been written.   
  
  
On a hill in Indiana stood an ancient willow tree. For years, a child played, studied and napped in its branches. Now, her grave lay beneath them. The grave of her lover was next to hers.  
  
Kathryn Janeway  
Captain, USS Voyager   
United Federation of Planets  
  
Against all odds, she brought her people home.   
May she forever be remembered.  
  
Julian Subatoi Bashir  
Chief Medical Officer, Deep Space Nine  
United Federation of Planets  
  
No man gave more to others and asked so little for himself.  
  
  
All Things Must Pass  
  
  
Captain Chakotay missed the small celebration marking the fifth anniversary of Voyager's return to Earth. Without Kathryn, the event would be torture. And the whole group planned on visiting her grave and paying their respects. Chakotay wanted no part of that. He visited Kathryn alone.  
  
So, some two weeks after the event, he approached the old willow, carrying a lovely bouquet of red roses. As he climbed the small hill, Chakotay heard the sound of weeping. He stopped, not wanting to interrupt the mourner. Besides, Chakotay did not want company.  
  
You may as well come up, Captain, a familiar voice said. I may be an old, grieving fool, but I am still alert enough to hear you.  
  
Chakotay ascended to the foot of the tree and gazed at the other man. Legate Elim Garak looked horrid. He appeared to have aged a hundred years in the mere five since the death of Julian Bashir and Kathryn Janeway. His face was gaunt, and his eyes were red from crying. His long, black mane hung in shambles over his shoulders. He knelt beside the graves.  
  
Forgive me for intruding, Legate, Chakotay said. I did not think anybody would be here.  
  
I know. You prefer to come here alone. So do I.  
  
Chakotay nodded.   
  
Garak pulled himself to his feet. There is no apology necessary, Captain. You have just as much right to mourn as I. In fact, I will leave you to do so. He started down the hill.  
  
Chakotay felt a wave of guilt. Legate, there is no need to go. The last time we met... well, we vowed to put aside our differences and get to know each other. For their sakes. He indicated the graves.  
  
Garak walked back toward him. We did, yes.  
  
Perhaps now is the time to make good on our promise.  
  
The Cardassian inclined his head. I would find that most agreeable, Captain.  
  
Chakotay went over to the graves. He lay the main bouquet on Kathryn's grave, but pulled several roses from the bunch and put them on Julian's.  
  
Why do you do that? Garak asked. Put the roses on Julian's grave, I mean.   
  
He was the only one to stand next to her when she needed support, after you and I abandoned her. I pay my respects to him for that. And Kathryn loved him...  
  
He was the best of men, Garak said. I thought so long before I fell in love with him.  
  
I wish I had gotten to know him, Chakotay said.   
  
I will tell you all about him, Garak said, if you do not mind my breaking down into tears every few minutes.  
  
Chakotay smiled. I would like that. And we can exchange memories of Kathy, as well.  
  
Yes, I do want to hear what she did those years we were apart, Garak said. He sat down under the willow. Whenever you are ready, Captain, we can go back to the village. I suppose you are staying at the lodge.  
  
Yes. I plan on remaining for a few days.   
  
I will be here for several days, as well. I am in no hurry, Captain. This is the only place I feel any peace, so I am happy to linger for awhile.  
  
Thank you, Chakotay said softly. I also feel best when I am here. He knelt beside Kathryn's grave and bowed his head.  
  
//My dear Kathy, for five years, I have endured living without you. No words can describe how empty and meaningless those days have been. Commanding my own ship, helping the Maquis settle back into the Federation... nothing matters to me anymore.//  
  
Tears fell from his eyes and onto the grave. He did not notice them.  
  
//I have tried so hard to put this behind me, but I cannot. I blame myself for your death... and Dr. Bashir's. I wish there were some way to make it right.//  
  
Chakotay glanced over at the Cardassian. He leaned against the tree, his eyes closed.  
  
//The only bright news is my re-acquaintance with Legate Garak. I know he meant a lot to you, and I promised to get to know him better. Now, I will finally act on that promise. I hope that makes you happy, wherever you are.//   
  
He placed a kiss in the air near the headstone. I love you, Kathryn, he whispered.   
  
Chakotay stood up and faced Garak. I'm ready, Legate.  
  
The Cardassian also got to his feet. Then let us go. You and I have a lot to make up for, I fear.  
**********  
  
The two started back toward the village. For almost a mile, the pair remained silent. Finally, Garak spoke, Allow me to congratulate you, Captain, on your appointment as commander of the Crazyhorse.   
  
Chakotay waved off the honor and said, And you for your election to the Cardassian Senate. Your work to rebuild Cardassia...  
  
...is my duty and nothing more, Garak said simply.  
  
Chakotay looked at him. Surely you are proud of what you have accomplished.   
  
Are you? Garak asked.  
  
The Terran's dark eyes shut for a moment in pain. he whispered.  
  
So it is with me, Garak said. Nothing matters to me anymore, even Cardassia, which once meant everything.  
  
The two fell silent again, lost in their thoughts. They did not speak the rest of the way to the village.  
  
As they entered the small town, Garak spoke again, Will you have dinner with me, Captain? I have no friends here, and I confess to not wanting to eat alone.  
  
Chakotay smiled a little. I would be honored, Legate.  
  
Shall we meet in the lobby in half an hour then? the Cardassian asked.  
  
Sounds good, Chakotay answered.   
  
The two reached the inn. Garak held the door open for Chakotay, and the Terran nodded his thanks.  
  
The receptionist gave them a funny look as they entered together. They made such an odd pair- the tall, refined Cardassian and the stocky, muscular Native American, both looking slightly disheveled from their grieving.   
  
Chakotay prepared to climb the stairs, while Garak headed for his room on the lower floor. Chakotay said.  
  
Garak nodded, and the two parted for the time being.  
**********  
  
The inn was quaint, containing few modern conveniences. Garak savored the real water shower, something he had come to enjoy with Julian and Kathryn. If he closed his eyes, he could almost feel their presence.  
  
The Cardassian regretfully finished and climbed out. He toweled off and dressed in a light tunic and black pants. He gave his long hair a quick brush.  
  
As he put down the brush, Garak glanced into the mirror. He grimaced at the tired face that gazed back at him.   
  
// You look no better than you deserve, old fool,// he thought. //Why should a heartless creature like you have survived when they...// He clamped down on the thought and the tears which always followed it.   
  
Garak reached for his communicator and then pulled his hand back. He did not want this evening interrupted. There were too many important things that needed saying between himself and Captain Chakotay. He left it sitting on the bureau.  
  
//Chakotay is a handsome man, even in his grief,// Garak thought. //I can see why Kathy would be attracted to him...// He shot another glance into the mirror. //...and why she would choose him over such a foul creature as I.//  
  
With a deep sigh, the Cardassian headed for the door. As he grasped the doorknob, one of the last things Julian said flashed through his mind. //She loves all of us, Elim... this situation is killing her.//  
  
Pain cut to the depths of his soul. He gripped the knob until his knuckles were white and screaming with pain. He failed to notice.  
  
She did not choose him over me, he whispered. She could not choose between us. Oh Guls, if only I had believed that.  
  
Tears pooled under his blues eyes and ran down his cheeks. He rested his head against the door and cried until there were no tears left.  
**********  
  
Chakotay waited in the lobby for almost an hour before he decided Garak was not coming. He was starting back to his room, when a voice called, Captain Chakotay?  
  
He turned and saw Garak coming slowly toward him, If possible, the Cardassian looked worse than he had before. Chakotay's angry demand about what had kept him died in his throat. He understood being struck so hard by grief that he could not move. Chakotay had been late for many events in the last five years.  
  
Chakotay said, There is a little Italian restaurant just down the street. Their food is excellent.  
  
That sounds very good, Captain.  
  
Call me Chakotay, the Terran said.  
  
A thin smile appeared on Garak's face. I am honored to do so, Chakotay. Please call me Garak.  
  
As you wish, Chakotay said. He held out his arm, an invitation for Garak to precede him.  
  
The Cardassian bowed slightly and started for the door. Chakotay fell into step beside him.  
  
Are you planning on visiting Kathryn's mother? Garak asked unexpectedly.  
  
Chakotay started. I had not planned to, no, he answered. Are you?  
  
The Cardassian nodded slowly. I want... I need to talk to her... to explain how much I love her daughter... He shook his head violently. Look at me, at what I have been reduced to. The most powerful man on Cardassia, and it is worth nothing to me! How Tain would laugh.  
  
The name Tain sent a chill through Chakotay. He knew Maquis who had encountered Tain and lived to regret it. And several who had not lived through the meeting.   
  
//Just when you think life has sent you the last curve,// he thought, //you get reminded of just who this man next to you really is. Not so many years ago he would have been a deadly enemy. And now?//  
  
Chakotay searched his feelings and found he no longer possessed his deep hatred of Cardassians. Despite his experiences with the Maquis and with Seska, he did not despise Garak as he once would have. Nothing besides his sorrow and loneliness mattered anymore.  
  
I think you are a better man, he said.  
  
Garak glanced at Chakotay. His expression said how unbelievable that statement was to him.  
  
At least you feel now, Chakotay said. The flash of pain in Garak's eyes made Chakotay regret his comment.   
  
I always felt, the Cardassian said mildly, I just hid my feelings.  
  
They arrived at the restaurant. Chakotay put his hand on Garak's arm. Forgive me, Garak. That was a terrible thing to say. I had no right.  
  
You did. In the name of Cardassia, I did many horrendous things. A small shudder shook his frame. I sometimes think this is my punishment for my actions. But I never understand why they had to suffer for my crimes. Garak looked at Chakotay. Or why you do.  
  
Chakotay looked back into those blue eyes and squeezed Garak's arm gently. I am hardly a saint, he said. I have committed sins of my own for a cause I believed in. More than I care to think of, and enough to justify a life of pain. But I also do not know why they paid for my evil.  
  
They stood looking at each other for a long moment before Garak opened the door to the restaurant.   
  
A waiter bustled over the moment they entered. He glanced curiously at Garak and then said, Table for two, gentlemen?  
  
Somewhere secluded, Chakotay said.  
  
The waiter again gave them an odd look, but escorted them to a quiet booth without further comment. He handed them their menus and left with one final glimpse over his shoulder.  
  
I guess we do make an unusual pair, Garak said. A hint of a smile played around his lips.  
  
Not too many Cardassians visit Earth, Chakotay said.  
  
I hope to help change that, Garak said, looking at the menu. Now that Cardassia is part of the Federation, I am encouraging enrollment in the Academy.  
  
That is something Kathryn and Dr. Bashir would be happy about, Chakotay said.   
  
A real smile lit Garak's face, and Chakotay suddenly saw how stunning the other man could be.   
  
I thought of them the whole time I petitioned for Cardassia's entrance into the Federation, Garak said.  
  
Chakotay looked at his own menu. What are you thinking of ordering? he asked.  
  
The rigatoni, Garak said. That was always Julian's favorite. He used to cram huge platefuls into himself. I've never tried it, but I think I will tonight. The Cardassian suppressed a cry of despair.  
  
I think I'll get the calzone. Kathryn used to complain that the replicators never made them right, Chakotay said. His eyes took on a far off look. When she did try one, she would sit there and pick at it.  
  
She never ate enough, Garak said softly.   
  
She just drank too much coffee, Chakotay said.  
  
You should have heard her complain about the substitute coffee we had on our planet, Garak said. She hated the stuff, but she still drank gallons. A laugh escaped Garak and quickly transmuted into a sob. He lowered his face into his hands. Forgive me, he choked out.  
  
There is nothing to forgive, Chakotay said. Tears of his own rolled down his face. I share your grief. He reached out and squeezed Garak's shoulder.  
  
The Cardassian looked into the face of his dinner companion. These are just the first of many I will shed in the next few days, he warned.  
  
We will shed, Garak, Chakotay said.  
  
The waiter approached their table to get their orders. He caught sight of the tears pouring down both men's faces and beat a hasty retreat. Neither Garak nor Chakotay noticed him.  
  
When he calmed a bit, Chakotay said, As much as I am sorry you are suffering, Garak, it is nice to have somebody to share my grief with.   
  
The Cardassian nodded his understanding. Everybody else seems to feel we should be well on the road to recovery.  
  
Chakotay sighed. My family is starting to ask why I am not seeing anyone yet. As if I could.  
  
Garak grimaced in sympathy. At least I do not have to deal with that. I am considered too old to be starting a family, even on a Cardassia whose population has been so decimated by war.  
  
You're not old, Chakotay said firmly.  
  
Garak raised an eyeridge. You are very kind, Chakotay, but I am well into my middle age. And I know I look older than that.  
  
For a moment, Chakotay studied the features of the man across from him. Garak looked back impassively.  
  
I admit, Chakotay said softly, that grieving has left its mark on you, but you do not look old to me. In fact, you are really quite handsome.  
  
A small smile ghosted across Garak's face. Thank you, Chakotay. I appreciate the fiction, even if I know it is such.  
  
I'm telling the truth, Chakotay said. He leaned forward to emphasize his sincerity.  
  
Garak raised an eyeridge. Perhaps you are at that. I must admit to being surprised, Chakotay, that you could find me, of all people, handsome.  
  
Chakotay fidgeted in his seat. There was a time I would have been sick at the very thought of it. Not that long ago, really. He closed his eyes, ashamed by his former hatred of Cardassians.   
  
We gave you enough cause to be, Garak said.   
  
Chakotay laughed softly. I certainly thought so... But not anymore.  
  
The waiter interrupted them. They ordered their food and a bottle of expensive wine.  
  
I wish we had gotten to know each other before we judged Kathryn, Garak said, for many reasons.  
  
//...I will not share you with others. Especially not a Cardassian.// The echo of his last words to Kathryn echoed through Chakotay's mind. The familiar shriek of pain started in his heart and spread outwardly so fast and hard that it hurt physically.   
  
I might have understood her position, the Cardassian finished, discreetly overlooking Chakotay's grimace of anguish.   
  
The waiter arrived with their wine and gave Chakotay a blessed moment to compose himself before he answered. I wouldn't have. You still would have been a bastard Cardassian to me.   
  
A silence descended between them. They sipped their wine and gazed at nothing.  
  
And what do you think now? Garak asked suddenly.  
  
Chakotay blinked, but answered instantly. I understand why Kathryn could not give you up.  
  
Garak straightened up in his seat. His face wore a rather startled look. I... thank you. I understand her inability to let go of you, as well. Even after so short a meeting, I can see the qualities which made you such a fine man in her estimation. Garak cleared his throat and finished off his glass of wine.  
  
And I see many qualities in you, as well.  
  
They shared a long, sad gaze.   
  
Tell me about Dr. Bashir, Chakotay said after a moment's quiet.  
  
Garak winced.  
  
If it is not too painful, Chakotay said.  
  
It is always painful, Garak said, but I would like to tell you about him, too. He deserved Kathryn's love far more than I ever did.  
  
Or I, Chakotay murmured.  
  
Garak did not hear him. He organized his thoughts and took a fortifying breath. I met Julian on Deep Space Nine, oh so many years ago, it seems. He was the first person who offered me friendship or understanding. He saved my life on several occasions.  
  
The Cardassian laughed bitterly. I coveted him from the beginning, but only as an object of lust at first. He was very beautiful, you know.  
  
Chakotay nodded, thinking of his one meeting with the doctor.  
  
But he soon came to mean so much more to me. Especially after the business with Dukat and the damned implant... Garak trailed off. Tears shimmered in his blue eyes, and one slipped out and down his cheek.  
  
Chakotay waited silently for Garak to compose himself again. He felt tears of his own forming.   
  
Garak finally continued. He stood by me in a way nobody ever had before. I soon realized I loved him, but before I could act on my feelings, Q played his practical joke on us. He paused and then snorted. Listen to me... I suppose lying is a habit I have yet to completely break. Truth is, I never would have acted on my feelings if not for Q. I wanted to go back to Cardassia more than I wanted a permanent relationship with Julian. More fool I, to quote a Terran saying.  
  
The Cardassian finished his glass of wine and refilled. Chakotay also refreshed his.  
  
The twenty years the three of us lived together were the happiest of my life. I realized what a fool I was to think more of Cardassia than love. He gave a sad chuckle. Once more, I can almost hear Tain laughing at me. And yet, I would not trade those twenty years or memory for anything... He stopped and thought a moment. ...except the return of Julian and Kathryn. I would give _anything_ for that.  
  
Chakotay leaned his head against the booth. //As would I,// he thought.  
  
Julian was the most affectionate person I ever met, and he encouraged both Kathryn and I to be more open about our feelings. Never for one moment did either of us feel unloved. He often played moderator when Kathryn and I quarreled, although he could be very argumentative about points he felt strongly about. When all three of us disagreed, things got very heated.  
  
Chakotay smiled, imagining a debate between the three.  
  
And of course, he was brilliant. His research speaks for itself on that point.   
  
Garak stopped his description and shrugged helplessly. I fear I am not giving you a very enlightening portrait.  
  
It is obvious you and Kathryn loved him and that tells me a great deal, Chakotay said.   
  
Some of that last things I said to him were terrible. He was so angry at me and then before I had a chance to apologize, to say one more time how much I loved him... He choked up, his throat clogged with tears.  
  
Chakotay reached over and took his hand. I know how you feel. How many times I have thought of the last words I spoke to Kathy, and how many times I have wished I could take them back. I want to hold her again and tell her I love her. .  
  
Does it ever stop hurting? Garak asked in a terrible whisper. Do we never stop feeling like this?  
  
I don't know, Chakotay said. And I wish I did because I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.   
  
Nor do I.  
  
This revelation brought renewed silence. Both men brought their tears under control. Several more glasses of wine were consumed by each.  
  
Here are your dinners, gentleman, the waiter said, appearing with a platter of food. Calzone for you, he said, laying a large plate in front of Chakotay, and rigatoni here. He placed the pasta down for Garak. With a neat flourish, he added a plate of fresh garlic bread. Do you need anything else?  
  
Another bottle of wine, Chakotay said. Same as before.  
  
Of course, I'll be right back. The waiter hurried away.  
  
Getting drunk never helps, Garak said.  
  
You've tried before? Chakotay asked.  
  
The Cardassian nodded. On nights when the loneliness got too unbearable. And there have been many.  
  
Far too many, Chakotay said. I've gone through some days with a roaring hangover myself.  
  
Have you ever considered ending it? Garak asked.  
  
Before Chakotay could answer, the waiter reappeared with their bottle of wine. Will there be anything else?  
  
No, thank you, Garak said.  
  
the waiter said. Garak and Chakotay favored him with large, false smiles before he left again.  
  
Chakotay helped himself to another glass of wine. His head was starting to swim slightly, but he was not drunk. He seldom got drunk anymore, no matter how much alcohol he drank. He wondered if it was the same for Garak. He supposed it was, as the Cardassian had consumed a large quantity of wine tonight, but his eyes were still lucid. Anguished, but lucid.  
  
I have considered it seriously often of late, Chakotay said. I even started to try it once.  
  
But something held you back? Garak asked.  
  
Chakotay nodded. I don't know what. A feeling, or something.  
  
Perhaps even a presence?  
  
Chakotay's head snapped up, and he stared at the Cardassian. How did you know? I have never told anyone.  
  
You think I have not attempted to end my life? Garak chuckled without mirth. I was holding the ritual knife above my carotid artery and preparing for the fatal cut and then I felt something urging me to stop. I even called their names into the darkness, and although I received no direct answer, I knew it was them. At least, I thought so at the time. Perhaps I am just a coward, who was looking for excuses not to kill himself.  
  
I can hardly see how it is less cowardly to live in constant grief, Chakotay said. Besides, the same thing happened to me. I knew it was Kathy, although I never saw or really heard her. I just felt.  
  
Garak took a small bite of his untouched food. He chewed thoughtfully. You don't suppose there is some reason they want us to stay alive, do you? he asked after swallowing.  
  
Chakotay inclined his head. Perhaps they just want us to live.  
  
But surely they know how much we suffer, and I cannot believe they want us to continue to live in such anguish. Garak lifted an eyeridge. Do you?  
  
No, they would want us to be happy. Chakotay smiled oddly. I can't believe we are discussing this.  
  
Nor can I, but we both agree to having felt them. Surely that means something.  
  
Chakotay cut into his calzone with uncontrolled savagery. I suppose, but I don't know what.  
  
Garak watched him attack the calzone. I think you have rendered it helpless, he said finally.  
  
Chakotay stared down at the sad remains of his food. An unexpected giggle escaped his throat, as he gazed at the mash he had reduced the poor calzone to. Another followed and then another. Suddenly, he was carried away by a fit of helpless laughter. Garak found himself caught in the same wave, and both men laughed until their sides hurt.   
  
I haven't laughed like that in over five years, Chakotay said.   
  
At a meeting as emotional as this one, our feelings are bound to tidal wave back and forth, Garak said. He let out more chuckles. Dear Great Gul, I sound like Ezri Dax.   
  
Chakotay looked at Garak curiously, even as he gave way to more laughs himself.  
  
A counselor I know, Garak finally explained. A rather annoying one, really.  
  
The Terran sobered. All counselors are annoying, Chakotay said. I have talked to dozens, and not a one has done me the slightest bit of good.  
  
I have had the same experience with them, Garak said, also serious. He looked down at the table. The only time I have felt any peace or happiness these five long years is at their grave site and these past few hours... with you. His eyes lifted and caught Chakotay's.   
  
Locked in his gaze, Chakotay heard himself say, I was thinking the same thing.  
  
Garak shifted his eyes. I am glad to hear you say so. I suppose it is natural for us to find comfort from a person who truly understands how we feel.  
  
And that's all there is to it? Chakotay asked softly.  
  
What else? Garak asked, but did not meet his eyes.  
  
Nothing, I guess. Chakotay ate a few bites of calzone without really tasting it. He watched Garak push his noodles aimlessly around his plate. Now who is trying to destroy his food? Chakotay asked teasingly.  
  
The Cardassian looked at what he was doing and then smiled up at Chakotay. You're right, he said unexpectedly.   
  
Chakotay asked, confused.  
  
I think there is more to it.  
  
The rest of dinner passed in relative silence. Neither ate much of his food, but the bottle of wine did not have a drop left. They paid the bill and walked slowly down the street toward the inn. The night had turned slightly chill, and Garak ruffled his scales in response.  
  
I guess this is almost cold for a Cardassian, Chakotay said, noticing Garak's actions.  
  
The Cardassian seemed slightly startled at being caught responding to the temperature. A bit. This is a little lower than the temperature DS9 was set to.  
  
That must have been hard on you.  
  
Garak started to deny it and then changed his mind. It could be very trying at times.  
  
Chakotay heard a note of longing in his voice. //And what you wouldn't give to go back to that aggravation if Julian was still there to be with you.// A tear slid down his cheek. He would willingly be stuck in the Delta Quadrant again to have Kathy by his side.  
  
They entered the inn and slowly crossed the lobby. Garak walked Chakotay to the stairs. They paused at the foot.  
  
Thank you for sharing the evening with me, Chakotay, Garak said.   
  
I was grateful for your company, Garak. I hope I will see you again during this visit.  
  
I am going to see Gretchen Janeway the day-after-tomorrow, Garak said. Would you care to join me?  
  
Yes, I would, Chakotay answered. Shall we make arrangements tomorrow?  
  
That will work perfectly, Garak said. Goodnight, Chakotay.  
  
Goodnight, Garak. Chakotay started up the stairs. He reached the fourth step and then turned. he called and was surprised to see Garak still standing at the foot of the the stairs.  
  
Yes, Chakotay. The Cardassian's voice was soft and slightly wistful.  
  
Chakotay moved down until he stood on the bottom step. I don't really feel like being alone right now, he said.  
  
Nor do I, Garak said. Would you care to share a glass of kanar with me? I have a bottle of a rather fine vintage in my room.  
  
I would be pleased to, Chakotay said. He followed the Cardassian to his room.  
  
Garak unlocked the door and escorted his guest inside. Please, have a seat, he said, indicating a comfortable sofa. I will go get our drinks. He disappeared into the bedroom, which adjoined this small sitting room.   
  
Chakotay sank into the cushions. He listened to Garak rustle through his suitcases. A soft exclamation let him know when the Cardassian found what he was looking for.  
  
Garak re-entered the room, carrying an ornate, wooden box. The wood gleamed a polished red even in the dim light of the room. He placed it on the coffee table in front of the couch.  
  
I have saved this kanar for many years, wanting to drink it only on a special occasion. Somehow, I doubt there shall ever be the occasion as I envisioned it. However, this meeting with you has been the highlight of the past five years, and I am pleased to share this exquisite vintage with you.  
  
He opened the box with a slight flourish and revealed the contents. In a red velvet lining lay an elegant carafe, which contained a pale, blue liquid, and two crystal chalices. Garak removed the glasses and set them on the table. With great reverence, he pulled out the kanar.  
  
This is one of Cardassia's rarest kanars. Only fifty bottles were produced, over a hundred years ago. Garak poured a glass for Chakotay. This bottle also represents a rarity for me, Garak continued, pouring himself some. Tain gave it to me. One of the few kind things he ever did for me. He handed a chalice to Chakotay and then raised his own. To departed friends and lovers, Garak toasted.  
  
Chakotay echoed the toast with deep feeling. Both men sipped the kanar. Chakotay found the taste very pleasurable. He took another small drink.  
  
This is excellent, Garak. I've never tried kanar before, but I must profess to finding the taste remarkable.  
  
Garak smiled. I am pleased that you enjoy it. A lot of people find the flavor takes some getting used to. Including me.  
  
Chakotay leaned against the back of the couch. May I ask you question, Garak?  
  
The Cardassian nodded.  
  
Several times tonight you have mentioned the name Tain. Do you mean the Tain who ran the Obsidian Order?  
  
Yes. My father.  
  
Chakotay's jaw dropped. Your father?  
  
Garak refilled his glass. Yes. You are only the third person I have ever told that to. Kathryn and Julian were the others, of course.  
  
Chakotay tried to process the enormity of this new information. Tain, the nefarious Tain of the Obsidian Order, had been Garak's father.  
  
It was through Tain that I was inducted into the Obsidian Order. He not only facilitated my entrance into the Order, he orchestrated my downfall as well. I suppose I owe him thanks for the second. Garak took another swallow of kanar. By the time the Maquis formed, I had been exiled for several years. I am more glad of that at this moment than I ever have been.  
  
Chakotay smiled at him. He refilled his glass and settled back.   
  
All my years in the Obsidian Order, Garak said, all those people I interrogated and tortured in the name of Cardassia... all I really wanted was some acknowledgment from my father. Some indication that he was proud of me. I became the best interrogator in the Obsidian Order for that reason alone. Nothing else mattered, least of all the people I destroyed on my way.  
  
Garak shifted in his chair, uncomfortable with the memories he was dredging up. And Tain goaded me to be ever more ruthless. He first encouraged me to use rape as an interrogation tool. He insisted that children needed to be interrogated as well as adults. But I did all the things he said and many more horrible ones. _I_ did them!  
  
A shudder shook Garak's frame. And for what? Tain was never satisfied. And in the end, he betrayed me like he betrayed everybody. Garak knocked back the rest of his drink and leaned back into his chair, eyes closed.  
  
It was Julian who taught me to regret all the horrible things I did. If he had not entered my life and awakened my conscience, I would have gone through life without thinking twice about all the pain I caused. I miss him so much. This last was whispered. New tears rolled down Garak's face.  
  
Chakotay glanced down at his empty glass. When I joined the Maquis, I thought everything I would be doing would be just and right. I was wrong. Oh, I never interrogated or tortured anybody, but I was responsible for the death of at least forty innocent people. Probably more than that.  
  
Garak opened his eyes and regarded his companion with surprise.  
  
Don't look so shocked, Garak. Despite our noble goals, the Maquis were little better than a terrorist organization. If a few innocent people died during our fight, well that was regrettable, but these things happened.   
  
Chakotay refilled his glass and took a fortifying sip of kanar. I destroyed at least five ships suspected of carrying supplies to the Cardassians that were later discovered to have been transporting harmless goods. One had medicine to fight a plague on a relatively poor planet near the border to Cardassian territory. I am sure many other people died because we destroyed that ship.  
  
He took another sip of kanar. I lost no sleep over those lives at the time. I blamed the deaths on the Cardassians. After all, it was because of them that we had to fight. They were responsible for everything. It was only later that I realized we were no better than our enemies.  
  
I guess we understand each other even better than I thought, Garak said.  
  
Chakotay said softly.  
  
They finished off another round of kanar in silence, considering their mutual confessions. Garak placed his glass on the table and sighed. I think that is enough for one night.  
  
Chakotay put his empty chalice next to Garak's. I quite agree. Five years ago, if I had drunk this much, I would have passed out by now. Thank you for sharing your excellent kanar with me, Garak.  
  
There is nobody else I would rather share it with now, Chakotay.  
  
Chakotay looked at the kanar and thought how sad its presence must be for Garak. He had intended to share it with Kathy and Julian. I'm sorry I'm not them, he said.  
  
I cannot complain about the company, Garak replied softly.  
  
Chakotay stood up and stretched. I'm feeling a bit worn out, he said. I think I'll retire to my room and get some sleep. Even as he said it, Chakotay pictured his empty room and felt a pang of loneliness.  
  
Garak got to his feet. I am rather tired myself, but I thank you for joining me. I would have been quite lonely without your company.  
  
Actually,' Chakotay said, I am not really looking forward to going back to my room.  
  
Garak did not hesitate before saying, Perhaps you would like to send the night here. I can always curl up on the couch.   
  
I'd be the one intruding, Garak. I should use the couch.   
  
Garak said. A true host gives every consideration to his guest.  
  
Seeing Garak would never consent to letting him sleep on the sofa, Chakotay offered a possible compromise. If the bed is big enough, we could share it. It would be nice to sleep next to somebody again. Especially a friend.  
  
Garak's blue eyes widened in surprise, but he smiled with pleasure. I would be delighted, Chakotay. I promise not to snore.  
  
A delighted chuckle escaped Chakotay. And I will try not to roll you off the bed.  
  
You'll have to push real hard to do that, Garak said.  
  
Is that a challenge? Chakotay asked.  
  
The Cardassian favored him with an enigmatic smile.  
  
I'll go get my clothes, Chakotay said, and be back in about ten minutes.  
  
Garak nodded and escorted Chakotay out of the room. He moved quickly to the table and repacked the kanar and chalices. He would clean them later.  
  
Garak carried the box into his room and placed it in a suitcase. He zippered the bag closed and moved to another one. This he opened and pulled out a pair of black Cardassian silk pants which he slept in. Garak paused and considered adding a shirt to his usual attire. He finally decided against it and began to change.  
  
Just as he finished, Chakotay knocked on the door. Garak hurried to answer, pulling on a robe as he did. He opened the door and found a slightly flustered Chakotay outside. Is something wrong? Garak asked, as he led Chakotay back in.  
  
The desk clerk said something rude just loud enough for me to hear as I was coming back down, Chakotay said.   
  
Would you prefer not to do this? Garak asked.  
  
Because of one lousy comment? Chakotay said. No. I don't want to spend another miserable night alone.  
  
I'm glad, Garak said, because neither do I.  
  
The two moved toward the bedroom. Garak gestured to the bathroom, and Chakotay went in to change. Garak pulled down the sheet, took off his robe and slid into the warm bed.  
  
In a moment, Chakotay entered the room, clad in a pair of shorts. He moved quietly through the darkened room and made his way to the bed. Without a word, he climbed in next to Garak.  
  
Goodnight, Chakotay, Garak said.   
  
Goodnight, Garak.   
  
Both men closed their eyes and almost immediately drifted off, lulled to sleep by the closeness of the other.  
**********  
  
The sun rose over the Indiana cornfields six hours before either Garak or Chakotay started to wake. When Chakotay finally did open his eyes, the time was twelve hundred hours. He yawned and stretched, feeling refreshed for the first time in five years. He glanced down at the still sleeping Cardassian.  
  
Garak stirred slightly and rolled onto his back. His blue eyes opened and gazed up at Chakotay. With a slight flush, Chakotay turned his head and began getting out of bed.  
  
Good morning, Chakotay, Garak said, pretending he did not see the Terran's embarrassment.  
  
Good morning, Garak, Chakotay said. He flashed a brief smile at the man still in bed.  
  
I have not slept that well in five years, Garak said, watching Chakotay get his clothes.   
  
Chakotay paused in his activities. Nor have I.  
  
Garak smiled. It will give us something to discuss over breakfast, he said.  
  
Chakotay's eyes warmed, and he returned the smile. I hear they have an excellent buffet in the restaurant next door.  
  
Sounds delightful, Garak said.  
*********  
  
The brunch spread was very large, and both men filled their plates with assorted goodies before retiring to a quiet table. They dug in, eating with a gusto they had lacked at the previous night's dinner.  
  
Garak took a sip of tea and sighed. I never understood Julian's preference for tea until he finally persuaded me to try some. And then I could not get enough of it.  
  
Chakotay gazed at his cup of coffee. Kathryn got me started on coffee. Every morning, she and I would go over the reports with a mug. He laughed softly. We wasted a ton of replicator rations, but Kathy refused to give it up. They reflected on their memories for a moment.   
  
You know, Chakotay, last night was the first time I have slept well in five years. My dreams were not plagued by images of Kathryn and Julian dying. Instead, I dreamed... His voice got very soft. ...of you.  
  
Chakotay asked in wonder.  
  
The Cardassian nodded solemnly.   
  
Chakotay shut his eyes and felt a warm wave race through his insides. I never thought I would tell you this, but I dreamed about you, too.  
  
Garak leaned back into his seat. Do you suppose somebody is trying to tell us something?  
  
Are you suggesting... Chakotay trailed off, but his thoughts shown through his eyes.  
  
Garak said.  
  
Chakotay's fingers trembled on his mug. That's a little far-fetched, don't you think, he asked, but his voice was shaky.  
  
I would have thought so once, Garak said. He took another sip of tea and studied his companion.  
  
Chakotay bowed his head and tried to clear his thoughts. They refused to calm, chasing around and around his skull. What if I do agree with you? he said.  
  
The Cardassian took a deep breath. He had expected a denial or some sort of argument. That would depend on you, he said carefully. I am an old man, and I hardly could blame a young man like you for not wishing my company. Besides, I am a Cardassian.  
  
That hardly matters, Chakotay said. You think I would hold your heritage against you? Even if I did still dislike Cardassians, which I don't, I would not judge you by that. And you're not old.   
  
A sad smile touched Garak's lips, and Chakotay noticed. Why the smile?  
  
For a moment there, you sounded exactly like Julian. The same passion and fire in your face and voice. You were rather magnificent.  
  
Because I reminded you of Julian? Chakotay said.  
  
Garak said firmly, because you yourself are such an attractive man. There, I have said it. I find you attractive, Chakotay, and I would like to know you better. I am tired of being alone, and I feel I might find peace with you. In fact, I am sure you are the only person I can find any peace with. He waited for an angry outburst on Chakotay's part.  
  
Would you like to go for a hike, Garak? the human asked instead after a moment's uncertain silence.  
  
Garak looked confused. A hike?  
  
I was planning on visiting the site of the accident. I thought you might want to join me. And on the way, we can talk more about all of this, Chakotay said.  
  
Garak nodded. I would like that very much.  
**********  
  
A soft breeze rattled the tall corn stalks around them as Garak and Chakotay walked down the long, winding country lane. The fresh air cleared Chakotay's mind, and he thought seriously over what Garak had told him.  
  
//Could I be happy with Garak?// he wondered. //I do feel happier in his presence than I have anywhere else in five years, except around Kathryn's grave.//   
  
Chakotay glanced over at Garak's face. He felt a strange tug around his heart. //Yes,// he thought, //perhaps I can.//  
  
I was thinking about what you said at breakfast, Chakotay said carefully.  
  
Garak looked at him, his blue eyes a strange mixture of hope and caution.   
  
I... you might be right about us, but I need more time. I just met you, and...  
  
I understand, Chakotay, Garak said. For the moment, I am content that you will even entertain the idea.  
  
They walked on in silence, both enjoying the surroundings.   
  
Earth is a remarkable place, Garak said. I remember how Tain used to talk about how ugly Earth was compared to Cardassia, but I know now that he was envious. Cardassia is one large desert and nothing more, but Earth...  
  
...is as diverse as the heavens, Chakotay finished.  
  
Garak laughed. I was going to say as diverse as her people.  
  
Perhaps it is the other way around, Chakotay said.  
  
Garak nodded. I never could understand, when I was a member of the Obsidian Order, how Terrans got to be so strong. How they managed to forge such lasting alliances and hold at bay foes like the Klingons, the Romulans and us. Especially us.  
  
And you do now? Chakotay asked  
  
Garak nodded. I have come to realize how resilient you are as a species. You can adapt to new situations much more quickly than most species.  
  
They came to a bend in the road, and both men stopped.  
  
Here already, Chakotay breathed.  
  
Looks like any other bend in this road and many similar roads, doesn't it? Garak said.   
  
Chakotay said quietly. He walked to the side of the road and knelt down. He placed a small bouquet of flowers there. Garak followed him and stood, staring down at the spot.  
  
Did you ever speak with the boy who hit them? Chakotay asked. He remained on his knees.  
  
Right after the funeral. He was in horrible shape, crying and carrying on. I wasn't in much better condition myself, Garak admitted.   
  
What did he tell you? Chakotay asked.  
  
A single tear escaped from Garak's right eye. He apologized for the accident. He repeated over and over how sorry he was for it and how he wished he could be dead instead of them.  
  
Chakotay nodded. That's what he said to me, too. What did you tell him?  
  
Garak raised his head and looked to the blue sky. I told him not to blame himself. I told him he must go on with his life. I offered him my forgiveness for whatever it was worth. Truthfully, I was too busy blaming myself to think of blaming him.  
  
I told him the same things, Chakotay said. He ran a finger over the flowers on the ground and snorted softly. Funny, neither of us took our own advice. We told him to get one with his life, but we never got past the incident ourselves.  
  
I hope he had better luck than we have, Garak said.  
  
Has anybody ever told you what a good man you are, Garak? Chakotay asked.  
  
Startled, Garak laughed. Great Guls, I never thought to hear anybody say that to me when I was younger.  
  
You are, you know, Chakotay said. He rose to his feet and put a hand on Garak's shoulder.   
  
If I am, Garak said softly, I have Julian and Kathryn to thank for it.  
  
They may have brought it out,Chakotay said, but it is your heart which makes you good. And they had nothing to do with that.  
  
Must have been my mother, Garak said, because Tain had nothing to do with it, either.  
  
Chakotay laughed softly and squeezed Garak's shoulder. A tremor passed through the older man's body. Would you like to walk on or go back? Chakotay asked.  
  
Let's go on, Garak said. I want to see where this road goes. We'll complete the journey Kathryn and Julian started.  
  
That is a wonderful way to put it, Chakotay said.  
  
Blame my good heart, Garak said with a soft smile.  
  
I would rather thank your heart, Chakotay said sincerely.  
  
A blueish color tinged Garak's neckridges, a sign of embarrassment. You know, Chakotay, you're rather a good man yourself. The Terran smiled at him, and the two continued down the road. After a moment, Garak extended his hand, and Chakotay reached out and grasped it in his own.  
**********   
  
They returned to the Inn rather late and ate a quiet supper in the tavern. Both men reflected on their day's journey.  
  
The garden really was beautiful, Chakotay said. I can see why Julian and Kathy were going to see it.  
  
I especially love flowers, Garak said softly. I was once a gardener.  
  
Chakotay looked at him in surprise. Is there anything you can't do?  
  
Garak said. I once attempted to make an anniversary dinner for Kathy, and I nearly burned down the cottage.   
  
Chakotay chuckled. I rather enjoy cooking myself.  
  
I'd ask you to teach me, but I fear Julian and Kathryn tried without success.  
  
Chakotay said suddenly and seriously, would you mind if I slept in my own room tonight? I need more time to get my thoughts and feelings into order and...  
  
I understand, Garak said. I do not wish to pressure you into anything you feel uncomfortable with.  
  
You're not. I just need a little space so I can think straight, Chakotay said. He looked imploringly at the Cardassian, trying to convey that he meant no insult.  
  
Garak smiled tiredly. We have been without companionship for five years, Chakotay. I think we can survive another night alone.  
  
Chakotay lowered his eyes. When you put it that way, I feel very guilty.  
  
I've lost my touch with words, Garak muttered, for that was not my intention. I do understand your need to reflect on everything said today. I asked you to make a choice, a life altering decision, and you barely know me.  
  
Thank you, Garak, Chakotay said. He stood. I'll see you in the morning then? Is nine hundred hours too early?  
  
That sounds fine, Garak said. In the lobby?  
  
Chakotay nodded. Goodnight, Garak.  
  
Goodnight, Chakotay. Garak watched the Terran walk out of the restaurant, up the stairs and out of sight. He leaned back against the booth and tried to gather the strength to head to his silent room.  
**********  
  
In the middle of the night, Garak's tormented sleep was shattered by a loud knock on his door. He stumbled out of bed and answered. Chakotay shot in and grabbed Garak like he was a life preserver and Chakotay was drowning.  
  
I couldn't do it, Chakotay said. He trembled from head-to-toe. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw them. They were... were... Chakotay sobbed and put his head on Garak's shoulder. I don't want to be alone anymore, Garak. You were right, we can find peace with each other. I want that, Garak. I need peace... I need you.  
  
Garak's arms crept around Chakotay and held him firmly. He reached out one foot and gently shut the door. I'm so glad you came, Garak said with obvious joy.  
  
May I stay? Chakotay asked.  
  
For as long as you want, Garak said.  
  
Chakotay lifted his head. That's going to be a long time, he said.  
  
  
  
They stood in the doorway for a few moments, savoring the feel of being held by someone who cared. Finally, Garak pulled away. We should go to bed, he said.  
  
I forgot to bring something to wear in the morning, Chakotay said.  
  
I'll lend you some clothes, Garak said. It will only take me a few moments to adjust them for you.  
  
My talented Cardassian, Chakotay said softly.  
  
Garak said.  
  
  
  
My first name is Elim, Garak said.  
  
Chakotay repeated. I like that.  
  
Good. I want you to use it often.  
  
I promise, Chakotay said.  
  
You realize this will change everything for us, Garak said. Our professions, where we live, everything. And Great Guls only know what your friends will say.  
  
Chakotay shrugged. If they're really friends, they'll be happy for both of us. Besides, only our opinions matter. As for the rest... well, I don't care about the rest.  
  
Garak smiled. I don't either.  
  
Why worry then? We can talk about this tomorrow, Chakotay said.   
  
Garak took Chakotay's hand and moved toward the bedroom. He watched the Terran lie down and then tenderly tucked him in.  
  
Are you always this gentle, Elim? Chakotay asked.  
  
Do you like me this way?   
  
Very much, Chakotay said.  
  
Then I shall always be this gentle, Garak said. He climbed into the bed next to Chakotay. The Terran instantly snuggled into him. Garak wrapped his arms around him.  
  
Goodnight, Elim, Chakotay said, his voice already slurred by sleep.  
  
Goodnight, my Chakotay, Garak answered softly. He shut his eyes and allowed sweet sleep to claim him.  
**********  
  
Gretchen Janeway exclaimed in surprise when she opened the door and found two men standing outside. Garak! Chakotay! Welcome! Please, come inside. I have a kettle on the stove. Let me get you some tea.  
  
That's very kind of you, Mrs. Janeway, Garak said, following her into the living room.   
  
Chakotay followed close on Elim's heel. But unnecessary, he finished.  
  
she said, no trouble at all. And please, call me Gretchen. She bustled into the kitchen and began preparing some tea. I was rather wishing for some company, she said.  
  
We're glad to provide you with some, Garak said.   
  
Do you require any assistance with the tea? Chakotay asked.  
  
Gretchen reappeared, carrying a tray containing teacups, a sugar bowl and a pitcher of cream. she asked. Of course not. Do you think me old and unable to handle this tray for myself?  
  
Garak hid a smile as Chakotay stammered his apologies. Elim thought his chosen quite cute when he was flustered. He remembered another man who looked endearing when flustered, but instead of the pain he was used to, Garak felt warmth at the memory.  
  
I'll just get the kettle, Gretchen said. She headed back for the kitchen and quickly returned with the teapot. After pouring everyone some tea and getting settled, she turned to the two men with a smile.   
  
How are you doing, Gretchen? Garak asked before she could say anything. He sounded slightly uncomfortable saying her first name.  
  
I have been well, Garak, thank you. My charitable activities keep me busy. I must thank you, Garak, for helping me get involved in them. She smiled as he bowed slightly. My husband worked hard to forge a treaty with the Cardassians, so many years ago. I take great pleasure in helping them now that they are our friends.  
  
And we appreciate everything you do, Garak said.  
  
Her smile brightened. And recently, Phoebe gave me some wonderful news. She is going to have a baby.  
  
Both men extended their congratulations and best wishes. Gretchen accepted them with grace and then gave the men a cagey look. And now, you can put it off no longer. Please tell me, how are you two getting along?  
  
Until rather recently, I would have said rather badly, Chakotay said, despite my successful captaincy of the Crazyhorse.  
  
And I would have said the same, Garak said, despite everything I have accomplished for Cardassia.   
  
Gretchen looked at them carefully. I am sorry to hear that, except that you say things are now better. What happened recently to change your lives?  
  
Garak glanced at Chakotay, who nodded slightly. I fell in love again, he said, with a most wonderful man.  
  
Gretchen clasped her hands in a gesture of happiness. Oh Garak, I am so glad to hear that. And you, Chakotay?  
  
He smiled at her. The same thing happened to me. He took Garak's hands in his own.  
  
She raised her head and beamed at the ceiling. I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear this, she said. Gretchen Janeway reached out and fiercely hugged first Chakotay and then Garak. Kathryn and Julian would have wanted it this way. They talked of how much they wanted you to be friends and now, you are so much more. This calls for a celebration. I have some champagne stored away. Let me get it! She took several steps for the kitchen and then paused. Before I do, I have something for you. Gretchen headed for a bureau and opened the top drawer. She pulled out a picture, beautifully framed in gold. She carried it over to the two men. This was taken two days before the accident, she said. I want you two to keep it. She handed the picture to Chakotay and turned back for the kitchen.  
  
Chakotay and Garak looked into the frame. A lovely old-fashioned photograph of Julian and Kathryn lay there. The two faced the camera, both smiling beautifully. Janeway's head rested on Julian's shoulder, and his arms encircled her petite frame. They looked very happy and very much in love.  
  
As the two men gazed at their lost loves, both became aware that the expected pain was gone. In its place was a warmth of memory and the glow of continued love.  
  
Garak traced the faces of both Julian and Kathryn with a gentle finger. It doesn't hurt anymore to look at them, he murmured.  
  
For me either, Chakotay said. The pain is gone because we have finally gotten where we belong...  
  
Elim finished.  
  
They raised their heads and looked into each other's eyes. Elim leaned forward, and Chakotay moved to meet him. Their lips met tenderly, and the last of their loneliness melted with the touch.  
**********  
  
A man passing a nearby hill in the middle of the Indiana cornfields came to a sudden halt and craned his neck. For a moment, he swore he heard the joyous laughter of a man and woman in the breeze that made the branches of an old willow dance as if in delight.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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